A cloud of fatigue floats above my head, threatening to
descend. It’s morning. I slept 9-hours
last night. I should be at my best. Is
the fatigue health related? Stress related? Activity related? Let’s think it
through……Health related, I do have some weird things going on. Unexplained gastro intestinal issues like
churning, cramping, bloating, and other unmentionables. How long has this been going on, you ask?
Since mid-May. Several tests by my
primary doc yielded nothing. I thought
it was giardia, I thought it was cyclospora.
Nope. A review of a PET Scan on Friday yielded an unexplained abnormality
in my abdomen area (NOT lymphoma) and now I am on deck for an endoscopy and a
colonoscopy within the next 10 days. Ah,
well….by themselves these procedures are cake.
Especially compared to what I’ve been through before. (miscarriages, c-section followed by
hemorrhage and another emergency abdominal operation, unsuccessful IVF,
chemotherapy, and radiation covers the “biggies”) An endoscopy and colonoscopy
will not make this list. In fact, I just noticed that I left the two outpatient
surgeries that it took to have one lumpectomy off the
“pain-in-the-ass-health-problem” list. I
also left off a malignant mole I got scorched off last October, two bouts of shingles
over the last two years, and oh, did I mention I woke up covered in itchy, like
on fire itchy, hives on Monday? My point is, this gastro problem is not in
isolation and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s a cliché saying. It’s a cliché saying that I’m sick and tired
of saying. So, maybe my fatigue is
related to some weird gastro intestinal issue yet to be diagnosed.
Or, maybe it’s stress.
Did you read the previous paragraph?
I suppose one could say all of that might be a little stressful. In addition, I work full-time, have my boys
50% of the time as a single mom, and try to keep my house a place that my boys
will thrive. I’m a mother, daughter,
girlfriend, sister, ex-wife, friend, colleague and more. But these things I love. All of them. My job is the best it’s ever
been, I’m happy in my romantic relationship, and I’m feeling balance and
control at home. I don’t buy that this
fatigue could be solely stress related.
So, maybe I exercise too much. I did complete my first triathlon on Sunday
morning. It took a lot out of me, but I don’t think enough to take three days
to recover from. Though I wasn’t
prepared enough to place in the top half of my age group, I think I had a
respectable time without killing myself.
In other words, I think I was adequately prepared. I don’t know. I guess I’m saying I don’t buy this “too
active” theory either.
I think I want to share my thoughts and feelings right now
because many of you have been so supportive for me through many difficult
times. I’ve heard you say, “wow, Holly,
you’re an inspiration, I don’t know how you do it!” I often don’t know what to say back. I guess I don’t really know how I do it
either, or really what I’m doing. Or, if I’m really doing “it”. I think there’s something to be said for the
saying that life isn’t about the number of breaths you take, but the moments
that take your breath away. I have
learned this lesson to my very core. I’m
trying to live my life to the fullest. With
Energy and Light. With balance. With
passion. With soul. With love.
It’s difficult to accomplish when fatigued. And scared.
But, maybe this is the new normal. Maybe this is what being a cancer survivor x
2 means. Yearly physical obstacles. Just to be reminded to not take health for granted
and to stay awake to life.
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